Tuesday 31 July 2012

Birthday!

Simple pleasures:


cards at breakfast,


beautiful flowers,


crazy sister,


failed attempt at BBQing,


homemade chocolate button cake,


favourite nephew,


awesome cuddles,


non-nausea food stuffs,


birthday pavlova,


and sunflowers!!


Monday 23 July 2012

Positivity

I was very grateful for having such a lovely G.P. today. It's my birthday next week and I desperately wanted to know where I was at beforehand. Fortunately she hurried along my bloods and was able to squeeze me in this evening. It was encouraging, tests were mostly normal, a few anomalies but nothing too terrible. She's referred me to another specialist so until my scan I've got nothing to do but wait. But positively. Also she finally gave me the drugs! What a thrill to be able to function in the day time without wanting to vomit everywhere! Though I think the overwhelming thing that's helped me recently has been the support of my friends. I went back to Uni this weekend for the Uni Gospel Choir of the Year competition and my last role as president of gospel (under the promise that I text home every 2 hours - Mum didn't want me to let me go at all). It was so, so hard to tell people. I hate having to make myself needy, I find it so embarrassing, but I was glad that I did tell a plethora of people, but at my own space. My flat mate was an amazing pillar of support and caring who helped me so much throughout the weekend. With everyone else it was just so powerful to have a rush of support and love from so many people. It was a boost that no magical drug could have given me. They were also most amenable to me randomly falling asleep everywhere! Things are looking up. Little steps of day to day life filled to the brim with positivity from every angle. 

-this photo makes me laugh. A lot-

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Tests

A clear Tuesday morning and I meet a bustling and kindly nurse as she ushers me in to take blood. She's friendly but distracted. I don't blame her, judging by the waiting room she has a long session ahead of her.

'Oh yes,' she remarks slightly insensitively 'you're here for the cancer blood tests.'

A bubble of angst rises from my tummy to my chest. Comments like that sharply alter perceptions from illusory to vivid reality. It dampens down with her gentle chatter about sailing and as the 10 viles gradually froth with my crimson blood. My anguish softly melts away. I shall be ignorant of the situation until I have these test results, and up until then I shall gain nothing from worry.

As we draw to a close she suddenly stops her activity and looks me in the eye.

'Here' she says, 'if you can go I think it might help'

She hands me a leaflet for the local Teenage Cancer Trust group. It's like a slap with a cold fish. Three weeks ago I was raising money for this charity. This was never meant to be in my plan.

Thursday 12 July 2012

Surreal

It's a bright but windy Thursday morning in July. I sit in a doctors room looking at the meek pansies weave and sway in the coastal wind in their exposed position on the window box. The room's quiet. The doctor um's and ah's, tapping her fingers on the desk. She types a short sentence on the computer then turns to ask me some more questions. She stands and asks me to watch her fingers click. She sits back down and looks at me:

'I think you have a brain tumor' she says.

'Oh' I reply. 'Is it bad?'

'Lets hope it's mostly harmless' she answers.

We finish the consultation and I cycle home in the bright sunshine. I watch the wind whipping the long grass in the field. It has a chill that I never felt on the cycle in.


(n.b. I always preferred daisies to pansies. Pansies seem weak and shallow and I personify them to be full of meaningless chatter whereas daisies are stalwartly and resourceful, able to reclaim even the roughest patches of grass for the presentation of their optimistic little faces.)

Monday 9 July 2012

Graduation


A day that we'd worked so long and hard for. A day that in this past year I feared may never come and yet magically appeared without a fuss in the middle of July. On this swirling grey early morning, I joined a steady stream of formally dressed students clopping along in heels and shiny shoes to the heart of the Uni that had become their home for the past 3 years. For one final, and slightly sad time, I stopped outside Mario's bright blue front door and berated him for being tardy as we gently pottered to meet our fellow biologists and, as we had done every morning for the past 2 years, blend into the back, a little late but a sturdy unit together.


But this time, what a change - there were gowns! Ah the pleasure of swishing up and down the cloisters in academic dress that billowed so satisfyingly at ones side. Finally, finally I felt like an academic. Forget 'students' in their uniform of dirty jeans, club hoody and a pallid expression of exhaustion and malnutrition. We were Graduands! Bright, successful young professionals, full of optimism and naivety at our future plans for the world. And clustering around them, the throngs of parents, bursting with pride and relief. Obtaining a degree is not something one does alone. It is something done with phone calls to Mum: tearfully fretting about screwed up exams, and quickly asking how long to cook a roast chicken for, and pensively reasoning what you might actually like to do with you life. Equally it is also about the phone calls to Dad: discussing the creaking noise from the boiler, and I am lost somewhere in London late at night and please-can-you-come-and-get-me-*sniiffffff*-as-I'm-really-really-ill?! So it was lovely to say thank you to them too. All in all a very lovely day.








And so the curtains fall on my 3 years at Holloway. 


Saturday 7 July 2012

Cyprus

The rain sloughed down over Gatwick Airport as I slipped alone onto a plane towards a land of effervescent sunshine, sparkling turquoise water and warm, relaxed members of a family whom I'd longed to meet for so long.